When Your Past Won't Stay Buried: Finding Freedom in Christ

When the Past Refuses to Stay Buried

It was over. Someone finally took a stand (quite literally) and protected me from the man who had been sexually abusing me for most of my childhood. My hero’s words, “He will never touch you again, but if he does, tell me, and I will protect you” gave me a flicker of hope. I was fifteen years old and felt hopeful for the first time in my life.

The Box I Thought I'd Never Open Again

A year later, by God’s grace, He saved me. My life changed completely. I was a new creation. The old was gone. I devoured God’s Word and learned more about Jesus, his love for me, and the work He accomplished on the cross. I read Galatians 2:20, “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. And the life which I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself up for me.” I realized Jesus took my sin on Himself on the cross, but it didn’t end there. He also took my past and nailed it to that cross. It was dead. It had no control over me. I packed up my abuse and all the effects of it in a big, imaginary box and shoved it way back on the deepest, darkest shelf of my mental closet, never to be heard from again.

When God Calls Us to Face What We've Hidden

A few years later, I married the man of my dreams. Within two years, we bought our first house and welcomed our first child. My abuse was so far behind me, it was like it had happened to someone else. But then, ten years after my abuse ended, one phone call brought it all back. He had been arrested. I didn’t know what to do, so I did what I do when I don’t know what to do—I sat down with my Bible. I opened it to a preplanned study for that day, 2 Corinthians. My heart jumped into my throat as I read that we are to comfort others with the comfort we have received from God (see 2 Corinthians 1:3-4). I knew immediately God was saying He was going to use my story of abuse to comfort others.

I closed my Bible and told God, “No!” I argued with Him about it. “Use anything else in my life but not this. It needs to remain a secret. I won’t share this story!” God didn’t audibly respond, but I’m pretty sure he pulled that imaginary box from my mental closet, ripped it open, and dumped the contents front and center. Shame came tumbling out followed closely by fear, anger, confusion, and despair. Although they no longer controlled my life, they had shaped it and would show up at unexpected times. It was time to deal with all that had been packed away.

The initial reality was overwhelming, especially telling my story in great detail to the detectives. I had told exactly three people my story but never shared details before, and it put me right back there like I was reliving it. But as time went on, and the work of healing began, God was gentle and compassionate. He unveiled in small doses things that needed to be rooted out of my mind and heart. My understanding of how the abuse affected me came into focus: my claustrophobia, childhood medical issues, distrust, fear of failure, and my overdeveloped sense of justice. Was healing and freedom really possible?

Finding Freedom in Christ Begins with Truth

The first false mindset to be destroyed was my feeling that it was my fault and that it wasn’t really abuse because it wasn’t violent. It took someone actually saying the words and explaining that a child is never responsible for the actions of an adult before I believed it. Satan used these lies to keep me stuck. Even after I was saved, those lies continued to echo in my mind. The Bible is clear that spiritual freedom is found in knowing the truth. Absolute truth is found in Jesus. In John 8:32,38 Jesus says, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. So if the son sets you free, you are free indeed.” Jesus, the Son of God, has the authority to set us free. Satan has no authority, and therefore, no power over Jesus’s disciples. It is summed up nicely in John 10:10, “the thief (false teachers, liars, Satan) comes only to steal, kill, and destroy. I (Jesus) have come that they may have life and have it abundantly.” I needed to believe the truth. What I suffered was abuse, and it was not my fault.

Breaking the Strongholds of Shame

Once that stronghold was torn down, I could taste freedom. But there was work to be done. I was already a new creation but had always felt stuck spiritually. I knew and loved the Lord. I loved His Word and delighted in learning and practicing it. But I still felt that because of my past, I was a “less than” Christian. God wouldn’t use me for big things. I thought I wasn’t being honest about who I was. I was broken—that was shame talking.

When I read about God being the potter and me the clay, I pictured him seeing the imperfections in me—the ugliness of my past—and shaking his head while putting me on a shelf labeled “defective, unfit for use, do not fill.” I was in his house, one of his own, but not to be used, especially not for important tasks. Have you ever felt like that?

The Purpose of Suffering

Things started to change, though, as I studied Scripture. I learned about suffering and how it equips us for service. That was the message of 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 that God had showed me from the start. Suffering has purpose. It not only conforms us to the image of Christ (Romans 8:29), it also allows us to come alongside others who have suffered in similar ways. I learned that God is near to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18). There is a nearness to God that can only be experienced through suffering. When Jesus is all you have, you find he is all you need. That doesn’t happen apart from suffering.

I learned that “after we have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you” (1 Peter 5:10). This promise of restoration is freeing and a sweet expression of his love. Joel 2:25 talks about God restoring the years that were lost, and I grabbed onto that promise when I was first saved. He has been faithful to that promise. God has restored the lost years, confirmed His call on my life, strengthen and established my faith giving me the ability to help others. I am in awe of just how far he went in restoring all that was lost. One of the evidences of freedom is when we look back and can be thankful for all that God has done through our time of suffering. We aren’t thankful for the sin that caused the suffering. I want to be clear about that. We never rejoice in sin, not our own or the sin of others. But we can rejoice in how God uses it to mature us and encourage others.

How God Turns Despair into Hope

Maybe the most unexpected result of suffering is hope. Romans 5:3-5, James 1:2-4, 2 Corinthians 4:16-18, and so many other passages teach that suffering results in hope. How freeing! We might think suffering would result in despair, and that is Satan’s objective. But God has a way of causing those objectives to crash and burn! I can tell you from my experience, during the years of my abuse, despair framed my life. I couldn’t see any hope for my future. At one point I was suicidal, which I think is exactly where Satan wanted me. His goal was my destruction. But God stepped in and turned everything around. You might say Satan’s plans didn’t have a prayer. God took the despair and turned it into hope, plus he has used it for over thirty-five years to bring hope to others. Not only did I find hope and freedom, but I learned that it is through my brokenness that God’s glory is revealed the brightest.

Brokenness for His Glory

2 Corinthians 4:6-9 says that we have God’s glory in jars of clay. That’s us, jars of clay—jars that have cracks and chips and missing pieces. But when God fills us with his glory through His Son, that glory shines out of us through our broken places. The Bible is so full of what I call “but God” moments when things are headed in one direction, but he turns them completely around. Turning mourning into dancing, creating beauty out of ashes, bringing death to life, making old new.  It’s the theme of His Word and His plan for us. My brokenness wasn’t for dishonor but for God’s glory.

The Freedom Found in Sharing Our Story

Instead of seeing suffering as something to get over or put behind me, I started to see it as something God had entrusted to me. How was I going to use it for His glory? I would start by sharing it. I didn’t know at the time what an important step in healing it was for me to share my story. Nobody was talking about sexual abuse thirty-eight years ago, certainly not the church. But God called me to do it. It wasn’t easy. My words were not always accepted. “Good Christian women don’t talk about these things,” I was told. But every time I spoke about it, someone sought me out and shared their own story. They thanked me for giving them hope that freedom was possible. And it helped me take another step toward healing and complete freedom.

God Is For You

I think freedom was completed as I trusted God’s heart with my heart. In my study of His Word and finding my way to the freedom and abundant life He offers, I learned that His heart is full of love, compassion, restoration, redemption, grace, kindness, justice, and so much more. A study of Psalm 56 put words to what I was feeling. My enemy sought to trample, attack, and injure me. His thoughts were against me for evil as he lurked and waited for my life (vv. 1,2,5,6). Verse 7 gives the hope of God’s justice for my enemies. But verse 8 showed me his heart. He “kept count of my tossings and put my tears in a bottle.” He cared so much about me that he kept track of the times I lost sleep. He didn’t just notice every tear I shed; he held onto them. And then verse 9 says, “Then my enemies will turn back in the day when I call on You. This I know, that God is for me.” God is for me. I can call on him when triggers try to resurrect the old feelings of shame and despair, knowing I have been freed from the past because God was for me.

If there is something in your life keeping you stuck, thinking God can’t use you because of it, think again. It may be the very thing He will use to bring hope to others and glory to Himself. He is for you!

Lisa

Lisa J. Radcliff

Lisa J. Radcliff is an award-winning author, speaker, and advocate for survivors of sexual abuse. She has written three books: Hidden with Christ: Breaking Free from the Grip of Your Past, Lisa’s story of overcoming sexual abuse; A Time to Laugh: My Life Over Fifty, a lighthearted devotional featuring funny quotes from her grandchildren; and her brand new book, God is For Me, a study of God’s heart for women in Scripture who have been sexually harmed. She also leads abuse prevention workshops for parents. Lisa and Doug have been married for over 40 years, raised three sons and enjoy nine grandchildren. Connect with Lisa at lisajradcliff.com.