It had been a doozy of a day. It started at 3:00 am with a headache that wouldn't leave. After a sleepless night, I rose and tried to muster the strength to homeschool my eldest daughter, who I desperately didn’t want to fall behind and who seems to fight learning like eating vegetables. I was hoping to finish early and tackle my to-do list for which there never seems enough time. The day started earlier than I was ready for, and there were lots of strong emotions I wasn’t prepared for. After trying to keep my almost-2-year-old from destroying the house while I sat with my 7-year-old, I decided to make lunch. Not wanting to fight the food battle with my 7-year-old, I put a pan of hot dogs on the stove and started boiling water for some mac and cheese. After snuggling with my toddler trying to make up for all the time spent with her big sister, I realized she badly needed a diaper change. So, I walked away from the stove to attend to her.
After wrestling her for a diaper change and trying to love on her a little, I walked out to the strong smell of burned hot dogs and smoke detectors going off. How long have I been gone? Really?! My husband, who works from home, came out of his office in full rescue mode, disabling smoke detectors and putting box fans in the windows to clear the smoke. My almost-2-year-old was crying like she had seen a ghost (little did we know, she had a strong fear of smoke detectors). Oh my goodness...my determination to have a strong day pretty much evaporated. Meltdowns and tears ensued (not from my girls), and I was pretty much done. Done. Done. Done. It wasn’t even naptime yet.
Homeschooling has been challenging for me. On many days, I have felt ill-equipped to manage it. Lately, when I’ve had these bad days, I’ve had a hard time staying the course because I don’t know the outcome. I feel inadequate for the task I’ve been given, and in an effort to prove I can do it, I push and push until I am burned out and in tears. When all the plates drop, it seems to prove to me I am unable to do it. I proclaim truth and faith in God, but I trust in myself to provide the outcome. This almost always results in fear and panic. The truth is that only God is sufficient; in Him we have “no lack.”
Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain.
It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep. Psalm 127:1,2
I have this tendency to burn the candle at both ends. With two little ones, I seem to never have enough time for myself so I go to bed late and wake up early. Maybe you can relate. Maybe it’s not homeschooling for you, but maybe it’s a job that you feel ill equipped for or a ministry or taking care of your family or an elderly family member. Sometimes though, if I am truly being honest with myself, I try to control it all. I am trusting myself. I know Jesus is inviting me to rest and nearness, but I worry about getting it all done so I avoid truly sitting and being present with the Lord. I end up burned out and sapped of my strength. That’s why I love this reminder in scripture. It reminds me that I’m not in control, and it reminds me that we only succeed when the Lord is in his rightful place. In the old testament, scripture says that David was successful because the Lord was with him.
And David became greater and greater, for the Lord, the God of hosts, was with him.
2 Samuel 6:10
I am reminded that my efforts don’t matter if the Lord is not in it. My anxious striving results in sleeplessness, but “he gives his beloved sleep.” It is not wrong to build the house or to watch the city. It is simply useless to build or watch without him.
I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. … John 15
What if instead of muscling through, I leaned into Jesus. Adversity, whether big or small, seems to be a great litmus test for motivation. What do you do when you’re walking through a hard season filled with uncertainty? Do you muscle or push through, wanting the uncomfortableness to be over as soon as possible, or do you lean in with Jesus, knowing that the refining is achieving a heavenly purpose to look more like Jesus.
David seemed to hone in on this point in the midst of adversity: As for me, I shall behold your face in righteousness; when I awake, I shall be satisfied with your likeness. Psalm 17:15
Later that day, when the smoke cleared, I realized Jesus isn’t calling me to guarantee the outcome but to trust him and do it with him. He is the only one that is trustworthy.
If we are faithless, he remains faithful— for he cannot deny himself.
2 Timothy 2:13
Our God who parted the waters never fails to bring the sunrise or take care of the sparrows. He is not just the God of the big things but in the little as well. He is faithful. Faithful in the everyday. Muscling through something or demanding my way believes in the flesh. It says it’s up to me, and it depends on me. It puts my desires above God’s. But leaning in leads from contentment, trusting God to provide the outcome. It draws closer to Jesus as the source of our strength. What a relief that it’s not up to me to be perfect or to guarantee the outcome.
Oh sisters, I am SO glad that Jesus doesn’t look like me.
Lord, help me to be satisfied with your presence, knowing you are more than enough in every trial, big or small. Help me stay near to you instead of muscling my way alone.
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