God of Restoration: When Life Isn’t What You Expected

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us." 2 Corinthians 4:7

I turn 50 this year, and I am processing how I feel about it. Mostly, I feel grateful for the family God has given me, which could have never been created on my own. But, I have also felt loss. Loss for what I felt “should” have happened. I also find myself in a strange season where my body is exhausted and internet searches like “menopause research/supplements” seem to be happening on the regular, yet I spend my days in mom groups with little kids that are commonplace with a 3-year-old and an 8-year-old. Moms that seem to be able to handle the constant energy. Don’t do the math of how old I’ll be when they turn 18; trust me, it’s not pretty. Sometimes, I wonder if I will have the energy to show up for my kids. I think about the past and what could’ve been.

However, in all of this I remember God’s goodness. There was a time years ago when I was again waiting on an adoption. An adoption which seemed like it would never happen. This particular adoption process was my second adoption and was a part of a broader infertility journey that lasted for well over a decade and never resulted in a pregnancy. It also included many times where it looked like an adoption would take place, yet fell through at the last moment. Hope seemed elusive. Most of all, there were no people around me in my particular situation, and I didn’t like how lonely it made me feel. Yet, I remember a distinct moment worshipping the Lord and feeling an overwhelming peace that even though I would not see on this side of heaven the joy of pregnancy, God’s plan was still good for my life, exquisitely beautiful even. That He would work it out in His time.

Before this time, I remember watching a documentary of which I can’t even remember the main subject, but they were discussing expensive pieces of wood that were coveted because of the imperfections that resulted from insects, fungus or otherwise stressful events in the tree’s life, creating a beautiful piece of art; It was unique; one-of-a-kind kind of a thing. Not flawless, but flawed. In fact the very reason that it was valuable was because of the scars. It intrigued me how such times of stress could result in such beauty.

“Not only that but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” Romans 5:3

We all have stories, don’t we? Things in our life that don’t look like they should. Places where we are still waiting. Places where the door has closed. When we find ourselves here, we wonder how to move forward, where to place our eyes when life feels uncertain and unstable. Maybe, places where we feel like we should be further along, but we’re not for whatever reason.

My infertility and my daughters' broken starts in life weren’t part of God’s plan, yet, in his miraculous way he created beauty from the ashes. He established a family where there was none. A family that I couldn’t have dreamed of or thought of. Not without loss, but full of beauty. This kind of beauty can only point to the Lord. This holy “working out” shows God’s glory.

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

And here is the main point: if God is in the story, whether it looks good or not, God is able to use it all for good. He is the author of beauty, and it’s in Him we discover who we truly are. He is for our good, and he uses every bit of our story, wasting nothing, to bring good. He brings healing not only for ourselves but for the good of others. That’s who He is. So because of this, I can trust Him with the future. He will give me strength and energy. I can trust that He will provide what I need.

“As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.” Genesis 50:20

God is the God of restoration. Over the years, I have witnessed how he has restored relationships that I thought were dead. I have seen him replace loneliness with sisters in Christ. I have seen where he has replaced striving with trusting. God really is the ultimate gift, as expressed in this song by Cityalight.

“What gift of grace is Jesus, my Redeemer

There is no more for Heaven now to give

He is my joy, my righteousness, and freedom

My steadfast love, my deep and boundless peace”

I have been given joy, righteousness, and freedom. Yet, not because of anything I have done but solely because of Jesus. Because of Him, I have nothing to prove.

So sister, if your life looks different than you thought it would, I cry with you. On this side of heaven, disappointment and brokenness will always be constant companions at times. But know that God is not limited by our expectations or our past or our current circumstances. And His good is truly good. Let our lives be defined by Him.