I Was...

The words “I WAS” were scratched into the wall. The person who did this probably had to have used their fingernail. There was nothing else allowed in this room. I was sitting in the waiting area of the mental health portion of the hospital. You know, the place where you have to go when you become suicidal. I was there with my oldest daughter - admitting her into the unit for teens. How did I get here? How did we let things get this bad before we intervened in a strong way? She said she wanted to die. She didn’t think she had any worth. Later, she would cry that she just wanted to be normal. She didn’t realize that almost everyone felt that way - but what is “normal” exactly? What she also doesn’t see is her worth and her beauty. She doesn’t see that she is what God made her and she has been fighting against it. I fight my own mental health demons on a daily basis. Sometimes I feel victorious and sometimes I am left in a heap on the floor hoping that tomorrow won’t be this bad. ALL of us need a reminder. 


You are beautifully and wonderfully made. Do you see that dot there? At the end of the sentence? It is a period. It signifies the end of a thought. You are beautifully and wonderfully made - PERIOD. Not IF or WHEN or BECAUSE. Period. 


Psalm 139: 13-14 says, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”


Our identity can’t be caught up in someone or something else. It isn’t healthy for a reason. We were MADE by God and for God. His words are wonderful. When did we forget that “I know that full well” part? Was it because of the cruel things that someone else who was hurting said to us? Is it the comparison game we get caught up in? Is it rejection from the opposite sex? Whatever it is, it is NOT from God because he made you - knit you together. Have you ever knit or crocheted something? I haven’t but my mother does. There is an element of perfectionism that has to go into it. If not, the entire piece is ruined. I don’t think that word was used by mistake here. Knitting happens on purpose. It happens precisely. It happens over time. It happens through the hands of the knitter- in this case, God Himself. 


When you can put those things into the proper perspective you follow the story that is laid out in the Bible and you see that you have so much value that Jesus died for you so you could be with him eternally. That is pretty serious. First, you were made perfect as you are by God and then God’s very own son died for you. How much more do we need to know? He thinks YOU are worth it, worthy of it, and in need of it.  


Back to the waiting room. The white walls. The hard rubber chairs. The skinny window. The sounds of angry and disturbed people echoing off the walls in the hall or the other room. The smell of hospital cleaner. The worry in my heart. The desperation in my daughter. The words “I WAS” on the wall. I want to finish those words - that sentence. I was unworthy, but Jesus made me worth more than gold. I was angry, but grace has covered me and now I am able to forgive. I was lost, but Jesus left the 99 and came and found me hiding in the dark and picked me up and brought me home.

I hope that you can see that your “I WAS” statement doesn’t have to be a sad ending of a desperate cry for someone to know you are here. God sees you. He loves you. He made you. Rise up and hold your head high knowing that you were made perfectly you for this world and we need you.      

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WRITTEN BY: ANGIE REESE

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