“Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.”  Jeremiah 29:12


I sat next to her hospital bed, holding her little hand, working hard to hold back the tears that refused to be held.  


“I’m so sorry I’m crying baby.”  


She looked at me with a glint of a smile in her eyes and a teasing tone in her voice.  


“Oh mama, if you weren’t crying, something would be wrong.”  


And then, with her bald head, too thin frame and wisdom and peace beyond her years she said, “It’s okay Mama, Jesus is here.”  Having now been given permission, I let go, held her as tight as I could without hurting her or disrupting the many cords that stretched between her little body and the incessantly beeping machines, laid my head next to her and sobbed.  


We were over a year into our cancer journey.  We were weary.  We were told at the beginning that the course of treatment for my daughter who was diagnosed at 13 would be about 2.5 years depending on how things went.  


This hospital stay took us by surprise, a result of an allergic reaction to one of the many chemo-therapy treatments she was given.  On this day it just seemed more than I could tolerate. Did we really need one more thing? 


This medication was created in a way that it re-released in her system every few hours, which meant that every few hours she was once again hit hard with an allergic reaction that was difficult for her to experience and difficult for me to watch.  She could feel it coming on each time, I sat feeling helpless and out of control pressing the button for the nurse who would rush in and inject the appropriate medication into her line.  


For the most part I worked hard to stay cheerful for her sake.  She was already going through enough and the last thing I wanted to do was to lay my emotional baggage at her feet.  We did our best to find humor and distract during the long days at the chemo clinic and long nights in the emergency room and hospital.  Surgeries…bone marrow biopsies…spinal taps…. meetings with the medical team.  


She is about to turn 24. Our cancer journey has long been over.  I’m still recovering.  Those were, hands down, the longest and most traumatic two and a half years of my life.  


I wish I could tell you that I was a prayer warrior during this season.  That I fought the good fight, that I didn’t fear. That having done all to stand, I stood firm on the truths of God’s Word to get through.  


The truth, however, is that I struggled, and I struggled big.  In fact, the first 3 months after her diagnoses, I didn’t even talk to God.  I was angry.  I felt betrayed.  I couldn’t believe that we were faced with this.  That this child, that I was told I would never even be able to have, was now fighting for her life.  It all seemed so unfair.  


I had prayed.  
I had prayed that I would be able to conceive and give birth.
I had prayed that I would be able to be a good mom- better than the one I’d had.  
I had prayed that God would keep my children safe from harm.  
I had prayed.  


The enemy of our soul desires nothing more than to convince us through whatever means necessary that our prayer is pointless. Convincing us that that which is pointless is powerless is a tremendous and often effective scheme.  


His goals are clearly unveiled in John 10:10 where we are told “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.”  His motives revolve around working to steal your peace, kill your joy and destroy your intimacy with your Heavenly Father.  


He wants you to believe that you are abandoned, forsaken, and left to your own devices when it comes to navigating your way through this journey of life. Often, he will remind you of all the reasons you are in this mess to begin with and how it’s your fault.  Above all, he would like you to believe that you are alone.  And yet, we know that this could never be, for the Word of God is very clear “And the LORD, He is the One who goes before you.  He will be with you; He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed.” (Deut. 31:8)


At times, however, it can seem like we are not being heard and it can feel like we are alone.  Our circumstances seem to remain the same no matter how much we pour our hearts out to the Father.  Fear begins to strangle out our faith and the enemy takes full advantage of our trials, struggles and weaknesses to shoot the fiery darts of doubt and insecurity deep within our hearts.  The lies that He screams into our ears begin to become louder than the small still voice within reminding us to “Be still and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10)


When the enemy, in the sly way that he does, attempts to convince us of anything other than truth regarding prayer, we can effectively combat those lies of deception by wielding the sword of the spirit. The truth contained within God’s word assures us that, without a doubt, he does hear us when we pray.  When the enemy whispers lies that contradict this truth, we must choose to fight back by “casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.”  (2 Cor. 10:5).


Any thought that does not align itself with the truth of God needs to be brought into captivity to the obedience of Christ. 


He loves us.
He died for us.  
He promises to never leave us.  
He dwells within us.
He cares deeply about every single piece of our lives.  
He hears us.  


Each thought that comes can influence our beliefs, attitude and behaviors.  As we fill ourselves with the truth of God’s word, we will more easily be able to identify those thoughts that come which exalt themselves against the knowledge of God, which is His truth.  As we identify those thoughts, we then bring them into the obedience of Christ by countering with that truth within us.


I eventually started talking to God again.  When I came to the end of myself and realized that without intimacy with Him, I surely would never survive what lay before us.  Where else do I have to go but into the arms of the one who knows me best and loves me most?  And, like always, His arms were opened wide, waiting to be the comfort and peace that my soul longed for.  And although we still journeyed long and hard days, I allowed Him to journey close beside me, where He wanted to be all along, and together…we made it through.  


Daughter of God, run to Him today.  Amid your mess, struggle, and storm.  He’s waiting.  


Pray with me-


Father, help me, as I face the difficult journeys in life to never stop running to you.  When the cry of my heart roars pain and sorrow, fear, and doubt, help me to cling to what is true.  Carry me when I’m too tired to run into your arms.  Hold me close when I struggle to push away.  Remind me always that you hear me, you listen to me and that you will never stop loving me.  No matter what.  I can’t and don’t want to do life without you.  

When I think of prayer, I think of the everyday stuff: meals, thank you’s for the day, and prayers over children as they sleep. I also think about the prayers of desperation that we pray during a crisis. But here lately, I have been praying a different kind of prayer. Something in between these two. 

You see, I have been suffering with some pretty crazy depression and (for the first time in my life) anxiety. I’ve been doing all the things my therapist wants me to do. I have been taking the medicine my psychiatrist wants me to take. And yet, it is still there. 

When you have this going on you just want some relief from it after a while. This can take you down some scary roads, but thankfully I have an amazing support group. Prayer didn’t occur to me until I had to pick up the phone and call Lyndsay. Crying, I poured out to her what was going on. My sweet friend didn’t judge me or tell me it was going to be ok. I had heard those words before. She suggested we pray. So she did. 

Friends, I am here to tell you that allowing myself to stop and enter into God’s presence with her for that prayer gave me relief. Now, it didn’t solve my problem, but it showed me that when God says “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus,” (Phil 4:7) that he was not kidding. 
​
This attack on me has been from the enemy and I have set down my greatest weapon to cower in the corner and cry. Prayer, my friends, is an amazing tool and weapon against Satan and all his ways. When I allowed myself to pray - truly focus and pray - I found peace. Even if it was just for a few minutes, it was there. It was possible. 

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God.” (Phil 4:6) is what comes before the peace verse. So when I take the time to be in His word, His presence, and really lean into him and come to him as a child would come to her Father, I find this amazing gift. Never in my life have I needed the precious gift of prayer like I do now. 

So is my situation a crisis? No. Is it something that is “everyday”? Not that either. But nonetheless, it is vital and God knew I was going to need these verses, this reassurance, in my life. Obviously, if it is in the Bible, I am not the only one who needs to hear this. 

So, in the meantime, I will keep doing all the things and taking the medicine. But most importantly, I will lean on God and remember that He has it under control. I will rest in His peace and continually remind myself that He is there. The Holy Spirit will keep interceding for me when I have no words. I will keep praying.

2017 - We'd moved away from all of our friends and our church family to somewhere new. We were so lonely and so full of heartache and regret. So much had transpired in this quick decision to move…it felt as if it happened overnight. And to be truthful…it almost did. One day we had decided to stay and ride the storm out and find a new way to live in the middle of the mess I had made for our family and our church. I’d find a new job, we’d figure out what my husband was going to do…I mean, our whole lives were invested in this church and this community...how could we leave? But I had made some decisions I couldn’t “undo” and hurt people deeply. How would I even begin to pay for these “mistakes”…these sins?

Overnight, it became extremely volatile. We couldn’t stay. There was no room for us anymore and it was clear we weren’t going to be able to get healthy and healed in this place. So - overnight - we made the decision to leave town in 4 weeks and start again somewhere new, close to family so we’d have help and support to get healthy and healed. 


4 weeks flew by and moved in slow motion all at once. 4 weeks wasn’t enough time to pack a house and say goodbyes to the people who still wanted to see us. 4 weeks was too much time to hang around a place we weren’t very welcomed. It was a small town…there was no hiding. 4 weeks and all our belongings were packed hastily into a u-haul and driven over 2500 miles to the other side of the country to start again. 


We were in a new place with new faces and people who wanted to help and love us…there was no baggage here with these people…but I was stuck. All I could hear in my head were the voices of two men from our old, small town life and their judgement over me...their discouragement. Discouragement is a nice word for it. I’m not saying I didn’t earn it. I did. I earned all of their scorn and shame. I earned all of their disappointment and discouragement. I earned all of their disgust. 


I just couldn't live with it. 


We needed loads of help and forgiveness. We hadn’t earned it, but we needed support and love. And they just didn’t have it to give. Not to us. Not to me. 


I couldn’t move on. It was tormenting me…their words running on repeat in my head day and night. We had been going to counseling, had marriage mentors, were living with family, and surrounding ourselves with Jesus and His Bride and I still couldn’t get healed. I was afraid of people…if they knew. If they saw me for who I really am…they’d say the same things those two men said. How was I going to break free from this? Every time I thought of those words, first - I would be crushed under their weight, and then - I would feel some righteous anger. 


“How does this look like Jesus?”


“Is this how He would have responded to me in my time of need covered in my own sin?”


I found as I was moving out of my deep shame into forgiveness for myself, I still had a forgiveness problem…these two men. Every time I thought of them, something in me gave an angry shudder. My face would heat up, my heart would pound, and I couldn’t think of them without unforgiveness.


I was carrying the unforgiveness that had offended my heart so deeply when it was carried against me. 


I went to the Lord…


“I can’t live like this. I need to move on and I just can’t. I’m scared and angry all the time. Will I be able to do ministry again without hearing their discouraging words? Will I be able to serve you again without feeling like a fake? I can’t live like this Lord!”


His response to that prayer? Pray for them. 


“…bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.” Luke 6:28


Sunday mornings were the hardest for me. I felt like a fraud going to serve in the church after the life I had lived just months ago. I would hear the words of those two men echo in my head the entire drive to church and just cry. Who am I to be doing this? Why would God ever use me again? I’m a fake. I’m a fraud…


Pray for them, Lyndsay.


I began to spend my rides to church on Sundays in prayer. I’d pray for those two men by name and instead of praying for what I “knew they needed” I just began to pray blessings over them. 


“Bless those who curse you…”


I’d pray for blessings of wisdom, finances, friendships, their marriages, their children, the churches they loved and served. I’d pray for blessings in their workplace and for the advancement of their careers. I’d pray for blessings over them until I parked my car at the church and turned off the engine. 


It started out rough. I wasn't sure I really wanted to bless them. My heart wasn't fully in it to be truthful. But I began this journey of praying blessings over those who cursed me out of obedience to the Lord. I needed to give the Lord my yes after so many months of telling the Lord no. Look where that got me. So I said yes and prayed blessings. I did this for months. And over time, when I thought of those two men, the hardness of my heart had chipped away and I was honestly, truly, unbelievably so, tender toward them. I had no more anger or hatred or unforgiveness harbored in my heart. I can think of them without remembering their words - I don't even remember what exactly was said anymore. I can think of them and feel love for the good they did in my life for the time they were in it. And through those months of prayer for those men, the Lord removed my fear of new friendships, my lack of confidence in serving Him, and renewed in me the calling he placed on my heart years ago. I was free. Free of their shame and free of my anger. Free of my fear and insecurities. 


“For the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable.” Romans 11:29


When I had a forgiveness problem…


When I had a relationship problem…


When I had a ministry problem…


When I had a confidence problem…


My freedom was not found in people praying for me, some emotional or mystical experience in the presence of God, not deliverance, not anointing, not impartation, not anything except…


“…bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.” Luke 6:28


All of those problems stemmed from a PRAYER problem. And when I finally just took the time to meet with the Lord in prayer - not even for myself - but for those who cursed or abused me (I had done plenty of that myself too), all of my other problems seemed to fade away or solve themselves. 


Whatever you’re going through right now, no matter how dark or lonely, how scary or confusing…your answer is prayer. 


If you are struggling with forgiveness or bitterness - pray blessings over those who curse and abuse you. Pray them whether you believe it yet or not. Do it out of obedience…the Lord will change your heart. 


If you are struggling with your calling…maybe you did something “unforgivable” and you think you can never serve the Lord again - your answer is prayer. 


Prayer is treated as secondary so often isn’t it? We feel the need to DO something, not just say something to the ceiling. We need ACTION and we need it now!


Sis, prayer is letting the God who sees past, present, and future perfectly into your situation to work it out for your good and His glory. Prayer is admitting you don’t have the answers, but you know the one who does. Prayer is laying down your own plans to take up the perfect plans of your Heavenly Father who loves you. Prayer is heart to heart connection with the only person who can actually do anything to fix the problem, heal the hurt, or calm the situation. Prayer is our primary way to influence any situation we are in with all the power of Heaven. How dare we belittle our prayers...it belittles our God. 


Whatever you’re struggling with right now…you don’t need action. You need prayer. You don't need answers, you don't need them to love you or accept you, you don't need change...you FIRST need prayer.

Let me pray with you, sis.

Lord Jesus, you see perfectly into our hearts and our homes and situations. You know our greatest needs when we don't even know them. Would you come and look into our hearts right now? Would you let us know what you see? Maybe my sister needs to be reminded that she has been forgiven. Or maybe that you have a purpose for her life. Or that man's words don't determine her future. You know what her heart needs right now. Would you just speak? Would you talk to us in the quiet parts of our hearts and let us know what we should be coming to you to get right now? You have all that we need. Help us to be quiet before you and listen to your voice. We love you. Forgive us for when we have belittled prayer. Forgive us for the times we turn to you last instead of first. Remind us of the truth that YOU hold our futures, that the world turns because you move it, that nothing happens without first passing through your hands. Thank you for speaking to us. We love you, Jesus. Amen.