It would seem that I am at a loss as I come to this coversation about loss and expansion. I've been struggling to get any coherent thoughts streaming long enough to get them down in written form.  So I revisited the articles that our Pretty&Wise women had written on this subject. 

After reading through these beautifully written articles, I am struck with wonder at the wisdom of these  young women and their hearts on this matter.  So I just want to highlight some things that struck me as I was reading and contemplating what ways loss can make room for and even fascilitate expansion in our lives. 
Angie wrote about loss of self in her article and two of her thoughts struck me. 

When we are willing to take the loss of self and surrender to Him, we get to be involved in the expansion of God's Kingdom. 

God calls us to lose ourselves so that He can expand His kingdom, His love, and His salvation in this broken world.

God's expansion doesn't always look clear and make sense to us. 

Just this week I experienced hearing God speak clearly to me to do something that was a bit uncomfortable.  To lay down my sense of self confidence...to lose a bit of myself. 

As the hubs and I were enjoying breakfast with friends at a nearby restaurant, God told me to pray for our waitress. Now...I sat there for a minute, because I knew He meant I was to pray for her so that she knew I was praying...not just say a little prayer as I sat there enjoying conversation with friends. I did not want to announce this to everyone at my table, so I waited for the right moment, or so I thought. 

There she was, standing by herself at the hostess counter. No one was in line waiting to be seated, so I uttered a weak, 

"Excuse me,"  

to my table mates and walked over to the counter. 

As stepped up to tell my waitress that God had asked me to pray for her, I noticed that a line of patrons waiting to be seated had quickly formed in front of us. So, I asked her first name and said, 

"I can see that you are busy and I don't want to keep you from your work, but I just believe that you are experiencing pain and God wants me to pray for you."  

Now I'm not completely sure, but I believe she smirked when I said that. I could be wrong and it could have been a smile that I misread...but it really seemed as if she smirked. 

SMIRKED. 

I went back to my table and sat down and joined in the ongoing conversation with our friends. But the thought kept nagging at me. Why Lord? Didn't you ask me to pray for her...to let her know that I was praying for her? This was definitely nothing like what Beth Moore experienced when she listened to God's voice prompting her to brush a man's hair at the airport. (If you're not familiar with this story, go listen now: The Hair Brush). 

I'm certain that I did what I was supposed to do. I have written her name down and continued to pray for her. Because God said to pray. I may never know why or to what effect my simple action and prayers may have in the expansion of His Kingdom. I know that God's expansion sometimes takes unexpected pathways. He doesn't always gift us with the mystery of His ways wrapped up in the clarity of a hair(bush)bow. I can only trust Him because I know that HE KNOWS. 

In reading Olivia's article, When Surrender Feels Like Loss, once again I am reminded that when I surrender control over everything within the realm of my own influence and give it over to the Holy Spirit and His prompting...that giving up...that loss...becomes gain. 

Could it be instead that a surrender of control.. even a surrender so deep and transforming that it initially feels like a great loss.. could actually be a great gain? That it could be a beautiful expansion of faith; of obedience; of the Holy Spirit's work in and around us- for the Kingdom?

Such wisdom. Lord, help me to give up my own selfish gain, to lose myself in obedience to you, to walk in surrender to you, so that your Kingdom may be expanded here on earth. Even, and most asurredly in the small things such as speaking up and praying for others.
  
That's what Jonah did, eventually. He experienced some pretty serious loss and expansion as Lyndsay writes in her article Jonah's Loss and Expansion.
I've done some study myself on Jonah's situation. The lesson I gleaned from this Minor Prophet in the Old Testament was a bit different than those Lyndsay shared with us in her article. I wrote about it here: Run to Him, but I love that she found such an important truth and am so thankful she shared it with us. I might have been thinking of Jonah more as the deadbeat prophet until I read these words of wisdom:

It wasn’t until Jonah was ready to lose his life that God saved him. It wasn’t until Jonah was ready to give his life that God saved everyone else on that boat. 

And this:
 
Even in Jonah’s sin, God was glorified. Even in Jonah’s disobedience, others were made right with God. But it took Jonah owning up to his sin, bringing to light his disobedience, and committing himself back to God for the others to be saved.
 
​I'm so thankful that we have the book of Jonah and all of God's Word to teach us that His compassion and grace and active presence in our lives are not given to us based on what we deserve, but on our responsive steps in the right direction.
  
So...what is the right direction? 

This thought brings me to the final article, Loss/Expansion, from Alexandria. In her article she shares with us this verse, John 1:12(TPT), 


But those who embrace Him and took hold of His name He gave authority to become the children of God!And then she makes this observation,

Embrace can only happen within proximity. We can only embrace someone if we are close to them. Close enough to hold. How often am I that close to God?

...everything in the Kingdom comes from proximity. It comes from being close to the Father.

And there it is. The right direction is always a step closer toward our heavenly Father. A step closer to His leading through His word and through Holy Spirit's promptings.  

I just want to say thank you to my sister's at Pretty&Wise for allowing God to use you as you write to the Glory of God with wisdom that comes from His word and His leading. You have made possible the writing of this particular article . The loss I experienced in my writer's block allowed my vision to expand as I read and was blessed by your words. 

To you my reader, thank you for reading. You are here for a reason. So please allow me to pray for you...for us all. 
​
Father, 
I thank you for my sister/brother reading these words. 


I ask that you make yourself known to us in the midst of these uncertain times. I ask for your peace...the peace that doesn't always make sense in the midst of the crazy going on all around us.

Help us all to take the time to pause and listen to You...through Your word...through Your gentle prompting throughout our days. Help us to see those who are suffering, and to know how we can reach out.   

I thank you, LORD, that You are good and that You work all things for the good of those who love You, and You work it all for your glory. I am comforted in the truth of these words...Your Word. 

I am humbled that you would use us to advance your Kingdom. I pray that you would open our eyes to see where we can join you in your work here on earth. 

I thank you that your words assure us that you will draw near to us if we would but draw nearer to you.

I ask that You work through it all and in all for Your will to be accomplished...in the precious name of Jesus, Amen. 

Blessings,
Gay

You were made for a purpose.

I think most of us are familiar with this phrase. It then begs the question, what is my purpose? For many, it becomes a lifelong pursuit...or an endless trial and error of 'trying on' this job or that profession. We may even begin a series of volunteer positions looking for that perfect fit. We want to find that job or profession that gives us that hand in glove feeling...to find our sweet spot in life. And we think that as we are doing this we are pursuing our purpose in life. 

Maybe it's just semantics, but I believe that we are apt to confuse our purpose with our calling. When we begin looking for our calling when we have not first truly understood our purpose, then we have put the cart before the horse. 

I am a word girl. I love words and I believe it is really important that we understand the meanings of the words we use. In our current culture words have become blurred as old meanings have been dismissed and new meanings are assigned to words that we thought we knew the meaning of based on the definitions that have been around for hundreds of years, if not longer. But that is an article begging to be written for another time. I think when it comes to the words 'purpose' and 'calling' we have just generally not had a clear understanding and so we have fallen to using the words interchangeably as if they had the same meaning. Therefore,  I think it important to look at their meanings from the dictionary. 

Calling

• Merriam-Webster.com

1: a strong inner impulse toward a particular course of action especially when accompanied by conviction of divine influence
2: the vocation or profession in which one customarily engages
​

• Dictionary.com

2.vocation, profession, or trade: What is your calling?
4.a strong impulse or inclination: She did it in response to an inner calling.

Purpose

• Merriam-Webster.com

a: something set up as an object or end to be attained: intention

• Dictionary.com

1. the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc.
2. an intended or desired result; end; aim; goal.

As I look over these two definitions I can see that there is clearly a difference between calling and purpose. Our calling helps us accomplish our purpose. 

Calling Facilitates Purpose

In Romans 8:28 we are told that we are called according to His purpose.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose. 

So we need to look to the author of life for our purpose. If we love God and want to understand why we were created and put here on this earth we need to understand His purpose in creating us before we pursue a specific calling for our lives. 

In order to understand how something is to be used properly, we need to understand why it was created. 

Let's look at a coffee cup. A coffee cup is made specifically to hold coffee. I am extremely grateful for the creator of the coffee cup as I smell that wondrous aroma and take the first sip of the day….ahhhh…but I digress. The coffee cup's purpose is to hold coffee...plain and simple. Can it do other things? Sure...but it doesn't fulfill the purpose for which it was designed if it's sitting on your desk holding pens. 

You and I were created for a purpose. That purpose is to glorify God. We need only to look to the example of Jesus on this earth to see what it means to live out that purpose. In His own words, we hear this, 

I have brought you glory on earth by finishing the work you gave me to do.  
                                                                                       ~John 17:4 

So if our purpose is to glorify God, then how do we do that? That's where our calling comes into play. Calling is the means to accomplish our purpose.  If we don't understand our purpose before we look for our calling, then we are in danger of allowing our calling to become our purpose. 

When we do that we are placing our own calling on the throne of our lives. It becomes the driving force in our life. Our calling becomes our god. And life begins to lose its true purpose. We begin to seek success with our calling and crave the affirmation of that success from the world. We seek our own glory rather than God's glory. By putting our calling first we are putting ourselves on the throne. That's a dangerous place to be. And it brings us misery in the end.

Friends, it is really important that we get this right. Words are important. His Word is the primary way that God communicates with us. His son, Jesus Christ, is referred to as 'the Word' (John 1:1). It's is so important that we look to the Word to understand that we all have the same purpose...to glorify God. But each one of us is uniquely created according to our calling to fulfill that purpose. 

You are called. What your calling looks like is very specific to the way you are created. You are uniquely you for a reason. Your giftings, your bent, your personality, your abilities, your occupation, your ministry in the local church...these make up your calling. Your calling will often include specific assignments. Your calling is the thing or things God has given you to carry out to fulfill your purpose (to glorify God). 

If we keep our purpose of glorifying God as the primary driving force in our lives, then it becomes the gauge to measure our progress in life, which leads us to our calling. 

In The Grand Weaver, Ravi Zacharias tells us that finding our calling, 

...gives you the security of knowing that you are utilizing your gifts and your will to God's end first, not yours. When you align your will with God's will, his calling on you has found its home. 

​If we are looking for God’s calling on our life, then we must first seek His will. When our will becomes synonymous with His will we will find our calling. Our calling will then lead us to bring glory to His name. We are called according to His purpose...to bring glory to His name...name above all names. 

Soli Deo gloria...glory to God alone! 

There is something so very calming about walking along the beach. Feeling the gritty grains of sand on my bare feet, and the gentle breeze as it lifts my hair to fully expose my face to the bright rays of the sun. It calms my spirit and feeds my soul.  As if in the overflow... God wants to fully reveal my inner spirit, the real me, to the world. And in that revelation, I feel His peace.

I revel in that peace. It is a balm to the inner wounds of my soul and spirit. I am walking out the process of being healed and made whole. In this healing, I am able to step forward into the ocean's waves...even as they begin to crash at my feet. He guides me, but I must keep moving forward into the depths of His love and grace. 

There is freedom in this intentional forward movement...this dance with the waters, as they swirl around my knees. Oh, what freedom! I love the dance! 

This is what I was created for...this freedom to walk into all He has purposed for my life. 

And more...
“If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.” ~C.S. Lewis
And so I continue to wade into the waters, feeling the waves lift me and carry me,

"As You carry me, LORD, I surrender to Your path for my life. I feel You guiding me deeper still."

Sometimes the waves get a little rough. They rise up and slap me fully in the face. Still, I move forward as I regain my footing and catch my breath. Sometimes there is a struggle in moving forward into God's will. In breathing again, I am thrilled with the wonder of all He has created. And it fills me and enables me to continue on.

I hear the tumult of the raging seas as your waves and surging tides sweep over me.       ~Psalm 42:7, NLT

And then it happens. A rogue wave rises out of nowhere and knocks me off my feet! As the waves sweep over me, I struggle to regain my footing...there...there is the sand again. I dig in my heels to steady my body to let the waves sweep past me. Calm is restored. But I cannot move forward. I'm afraid to keep moving. 

So I stand there, waist-deep. There will be more waves. 

"Can You carry me, Lord? I'm not strong enough for this!" 

I dig my heels further into the sand and refuse to move out into the deeper waters. I know He is calling me, but I am paralyzed with fear. I want to move...but as I hesitate, I feel the sands lifting and resettling around my feet as they sink further and further down into the sand ...the sinking sand. And I am STUCK! Unable to move forward into all He is calling me to. Into the wonder, into His grace. I feel the disgrace of the fall ...the shame of being stuck in my tracks. 

And yet He calls me deeper still. Out of disgrace into His grace. As I reach out to take His hand, He pulls me out of the sinking sands. I move forward leaving fear and doubt in the wake of His love and mercy. And I am in awe of this God who loves me so.

I called on your name, O LORD, from the depths of the pit; 
you heard my plea, 'Do not close your ear to my cry for help!'
You came near when I called on you; you said, 'Do not fear!' 
You have taken up my cause, O Lord; you have redeemed my life. 
~ Lamentations 3:55-58 

Unstuck ... I am free! Free to walk deeper still into this calling. Into His arms...His strength. Into His grace.  

Does fear have you stuck? Let God take your hand and step forward into His grace. When you do ... those things that hold you back will begin to fall away. Leaving you free...free from fear. Unstuck! Free to walk into all He created you to be.  
​
Blessings,
Gay

Focus. As I sit here contemplating this word, the brain fog sets in, and my weary eyes begin to blur the words together on the page. After looking at definitions and synonyms for this word...after reading verse after verse, my mind fractures into countless rabbit trails. Oh, the irony! 

Focus is a word that is both a noun and a verb. We may focus on something to "bring it into view" as it becomes the "central point of attention", bringing both verb and noun together. (See what I did there? No? Well, you see I took the two definitions...oh well, never mind).  

Focusing on this word brings to mind the One-Word Challenge. I have participated in doing a One Word Challenge for many years now. Some people call it by a different name. But the idea is to pick one word to focus on for the entire year...usually sometime in late December. Many who choose to do the one-word challenge look for a word that sums up who they want to be or how they want to live. 

I, however, tend to look at it a little differently than most. Picking a word and becoming that word is not my goal. Instead, I choose to begin praying each year in December that God would show me the word HE wants me to focus on. This was not a New Year's resolution but a year-long one-word journey. As I focused on the word throughout the next year, God would reveal to me the things He wanted me to learn in relation to that word, creating a change in my heart and my life. 

This One Word thing takes discipline and focus. Interestingly enough, FOCUS was my word in 2014. So, I went back through my journal in search of an entry on the word, and even looked to see if I had written a blog post about it thinking it would be helpful now that I was writing about it again. There was not one post on the blog, nor anything further in my journal about the word beyond the entry in December stating that it was my to be my word for 2014.  Apparently, and I might add ironically, I had lost my focus. Perhaps I need to refocus on the word in 2021. 

Oh but wait...that same year I had chosen a verse to go along with my One Word. 

It was my life-verse, Matthew 6:33.

But seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well. 
​
There it was. This verse "brought into view" the "central point of attention"...the very One I was to focus on. I went back through and looked at the articles I had written on my blog that year and I could see it...everything I had written was focused on bringing glory to God...seeking His righteousness and advancing His kingdom in my writing.  Maybe I didn't lose my focus after all...because the point was that I was not to meditate on the word focus, I was to focus on the Word...His Word.

Wow! My brain is tired from all the wordplay. But I kind of love it when the rabbit trail takes me back to His Word and to the gentle way He leads me. I'm so thankful that He is patient enough to lead me into a new understanding of this word...albeit 6 years in the making. 

For more from Gay, head to her website: www.gayidle.com
Head over to the Community and join in the conversation!

So this is the third week in our conversation about identity here at Pretty & Wise. I've been thinking a lot about this word...identity. So I began to do a few online searches on the subject. 

Searching for Identity

I did a search on Facebook with the hashtag #identity and was amazed at the number of posts. Many of those posts were personal. Quite a few posts I saw were from people who had done a DNA test and found that they were from a different cultural group than they had been raised in and were intent on embracing the culture of their newly found 'identity'. There were posts from life coaches telling you how to be the best 'you', you can be. Many posts were political, social, and cultural.  And yes, some were about finding your identity in Christ...or with Christ. Frankly, there were too many #identity posts to read through them all. 

I did a search on Amazon and discovered there are 70,000 books listed with the word identity in the title. 70,000 books!

I googled the word identity and it came up with 812,000,000 results.  
We seem to be obsessed with this word. Obsessed with finding our own identity, whether as an individual or as a collective people group. There seems to be an innate desire within, a longing, to want to understand who we are...or whose we are. 

Whose You Are

Can we really know who we are if we do not know whose we are? 

The hubs and I used to tell our kids(teens at the time) three things every time they left the house without us. 

"I love you, don't be stupid, and remember whose you are." 

They needed to be reminded every time they left the house that we loved them, we expected them to make good decisions, and to remember that they were ambassadors for not only the Idle name, but for Jesus Christ.  They knew that it meant they were expected to be mindful of their upbringing as they made decisions about who they were with and what they were doing. They were to be mindful of what it meant to be an Idle. And most of all they were to be mindful of their choices in light of their relationship with Christ. 

When we remember whose we are, we discover who we are. 

We find the truth of who we are in God's word and through His son Jesus Christ. When we put our trust in Him it changes everything. 

 "But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God." ~ John 1:12 NLT

As children of God, we find our true identity in His son Jesus Christ. This makes us joint-heirs with Christ...to share in His suffering in order that we also might be glorified with Him (Romans 8:17). For God so loved the world...you and I...that He sent His one and only son to die for the sins of the world...for your sin and my sin. There is no greater love than that of the sacrificial love of Jesus Christ. He loves us! We find security in knowing Whose we are. The longing gives way to belonging. ​

In Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis tells us,
“Your real, new self (which is Christ's and also yours, and yours just because it is His) will not come as long as you are looking for it. It will come when you are looking for Him."

Lewis reminds us we have to let go of ourself, in order to find our real self. You can't save your life if you have not first lost it. If it hasn't died, it can't be raised from the dead. 

"For you died and your life is now hidden with Christ in God."      ~Colossians 3:3

Letting go of self can be hard. While the Bible tells us that we are new creatures in Christ, we still have that struggle with the flesh. We have to let go of some of the old notions of "that's just me", or "I was just made that way." We have gotten so comfortable with our old selves, 'warts and all', that we start to believe the lies of the enemy, that we can't change, that we'll never be different or get better. 

Don't believe the lies. (Don't be stupid). Let go! 

Identity Revealed

As we let go and turn to the Word of God, we participate in the process of sanctification. We begin to look more and more Christ-like and less like our 'old' self. It's like when you pour clean water into a jar of muddy water...the more clean water you pour in the clearer and cleaner the muddy water becomes until finally there is no more dirty water. We can now clearly see the reflection of our true self in the clear water of the Word of God. 

We have to allow room for the Holy Spirit to root out the old as He pours into our lives until we look more and more like the woman God created us to be. 

Yes...you were fearfully and wonderfully made and there are things about you that are unique to you, those things God created within you. So let His light shine and as it shines, your lovely self will be revealed to the world. And sister, when His light reveals who you are, give Him the glory!

 "But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in."  ~ C.S. Lewis 

Oh and don't forget...

God loves you! 
Don't be stupid.
AND Remember Whose you are!

Joy. I wrote about joy on my blog two years ago. I rambled on about pizza, and a dream and whether the dream was from my subconscious,  from God,  or just indigestion from the pizza I had eaten from the previous night.

I had written the dream down in my journal because I rarely remember dreams as vividly as that particular one and I know that God sometimes speaks to me through those kinds of dreams. 
​
I'd like to share some of what I wrote then with you now. Not the dream part, but the joy part.

Just 7 days after the journal entry about the dream I wrote these words...

May 10, 2018. Thursday p.m.
WHERE IS THE JOY?!?!
That's it. Just three words. 
 
I honestly don't even remember what happened to prompt me to write those words down, but apparently, at the time something had occurred that made me question God.

You see, over a span of two years, I had multiple people prophesy over me that God is going to restore my joy. I thought...what? I have joy! I'm not a 'joyless' person.  

And then it occurred to me... when I was younger I had so much more joy that it was evident to others around me.  My mama would tell me that I was such a happy little girl that I would go around singing all the time. When I was twelve she wrote a short poem about me. Here are the last lines of that poem...

...How does your laughter grow?
With God's merry blessing,
We can all learn a lesson__
By watching your inner glow!

In my teens, an older gentleman in the choir at my church nicknamed me Happy. Even my husband has told me that I don't sing around the house the way I used to. I realized that I'm not THAT joy-filled girl anymore. What happened?

A song is playing in my head. Cue the song, Where is the Love? sung by Roberta Flack. Only in my head, I am hearing the word love replaced with the word joy.

Where is the joy?
You said was mine all mine, 'till the end of time
Was it just a lie?
Where is the joy?

I know ...I know! The rest of the song is totally inappropriate to my point. Still...it's on replay in my brain. And so I cry out with the words of the psalmist, "Restore to me the joy of my salvation!"

Sometimes,  life creeps in...disappointment, unmet expectation, family illness, death, you name it...bringing with it all the drama and trauma to destroy our boundless joy in the Lord. It can happen...and the boundless energy that joy brings is replaced with a 'tired' that just sits in your bones. You know what I mean? Even though we are relatively happy and still trusting in the goodness of God...that bone aching weariness can set in and steal our joy. 

I think that I struggle with that weariness from time to time. Life can be hard. I struggled even writing this article about joy because I have been feeling the angst of the current climate of unrest in our world. When there is unrest, when there is uncertainty, in some sense we lose a bit of our security. 

Security...we all long to feel secure, loved, safe, protected. When I was a little girl I felt all of that at once...loved, safe, protected, secure...all of it.  Perhaps that is why I was a joyful child. Laughter came easy. 

Even though my dad died when I was just 10 years old, my mother managed to continue to make us all feel safe and secure. As my mom explained to us, God had chosen to take my daddy home instead of letting him die the slow, painful death his doctors had predicted. God loved us so much that he took daddy home to not only prevent his suffering but our own as well.  So, instead of such a traumatic event taking away my sense of security, it reinforced it because I was secure in knowing that God was taking care of me, my daddy, and our family. God is good. And my joy was abundant because I was not abandoned. I was not alone. I was secure in His hands. 

As a child, the ability to trust God is so pure and simple.  But then as we grow up, life happens, and our sense of security weakens. And we begin to ask God questions. 

Job, who lost everything, had questions too. Pain tends to do that...pain from loss, physical pain...emotional pain...leaves us asking, "WHY?" 

Job asked that same question from different angles. He wrestled with the big questions. God, what is your purpose in all of this? Please God, help me understand your ways! Why am I even here on this earth? I'm thinking Job surely lost his joy because in losing it all he lost his sense of security.

Job, had friends who failed him miserably. They began well...they took the time to just sit with him...not talking, just offering their presence. But then they opened their big mouths and began offering their own opinions as to why Job was suffering and it all went downhill from there. Job's pain actually worsened! There is no joy in being judged by one's friends. 

In Job 38:1 we read...

It was the first time in weeks that I was not able to be in the room with my son. So there I was sitting in the waiting room. WAITING…

There were more seats than there were people and that was a good thing. There I sat, unaccustomed to just sitting and waiting to go in to see him. I had been with him since the first day he entered the first hospital. Just how many days before? I couldn't even remember. 

This was the 4th hospital in a series of transfers. 

How did we get here?
​
I had ridden to this latest hospital with my son…in an ambulance. Not knowing what was happening…sitting across from him in the back of the ambulance, next to a man I had never seen before…a man whom I depended on to keep my son alive until we reached the hospital.

At any other time, I would have considered a ride such as this an adventure. What a ride! Racing through traffic, with lights and siren blaring. Flying through every intersection, running every red light in our way! A clear path opened before us as if we owned the streets and highways. But this was no thrill ride. This was a race to save a life and I had a front-row seat watching, praying, waiting as we nearly flew to the hospital. This was deeply personal. My only son's life was in the balance.

 We had been many days in this 4th hospital. Brad was experiencing non-stop seizures that had begun with a migraine. Just 8 years earlier a migraine had led to a stroke and we were praying against all odds that we were not heading down that same road. 

These non-stop seizures were a new development, and the doctors at the best hospital in the nation were having a difficult time getting them under control. Brad was in danger of brain damage, or even death if they could not be stopped. 

And so he was admitted to the Neurocritical Care Unit (NCCU) of Johns Hopkins University Hospital and we were only allowed to see him during limited hours each day. My husband and daughter had gotten a hotel room in town so that we could stay close to the hospital each night.

My first and only emotional breakdown occurred in the restroom of that waiting room as we were leaving the hospital that first night. 

I had been by my son's side 24/7 since he had entered that first hospital. I had been his advocate. Speaking for him when he was unable to speak...anticipating his needs when the nurses could not understand him. And at times, correcting the mistakes of the very tired and overworked nursing staff. Like a lioness protecting her cub, I had been fierce in overseeing my son's care. Now they were asking me to leave him overnight in the hospital, in his unconscious state, intubated and with tubes coming and going from every cavity of my man-child's body...and they wanted me to leave?

I could not wrap my mind around the whole scenario.  So, as we were leaving, I stepped into the bathroom to have a moment. I needed to get myself together as I did not want my daughter to be distraught from seeing my reaction to this unsettling dilemma. As the tears began to flow, the dam burst and I wept as I had never wept before. Hard, gut-wrenching sobs tore through my body. Ugly, guttural cries came from somewhere deep inside me as my knees buckled beneath me and I sank to the floor. I felt as though my heart was literally being ripped from my body.  I could not control the flow of tears, they would not stop. The trickle of tears had become a rushing torrent. 

It seems that I could handle anything that my son was going through as long as I could be with him. Watch over him. Pray over him. Protect him. But now all control was out of my hands and I was a broken woman. 

I had no other choice but to surrender control and give my son into the loving hands of my Heavenly Father...all over again as I had done before when he suffered his stroke at the age of thirteen. I knew from experience that God loved my son even more than I did and that whatever was to come was in His good and loving hands. (I wrote about that experience here: Sacrificial Faith).

After trying increased and varying antiseizure medications, all to no avail, the doctors' decision was to induce a pharmacological coma. And in the days ahead I found myself once again...in the NCCU Waiting Room.

Back in the waiting room...

There I sat feeling helpless. Dependent on the medical staff looking after my son. Trusting God with my son's very life. Waiting desperately for the times they would allow us back into the NCCU.  Just...waiting...

And as I sat waiting and praying, I noticed a young woman. She seemed so very young. She was fidgeting as if she was unsure what she was supposed to be doing. And so I began to talk to her. Her name was Jessica. 

Her husband was there in the NCCU because he was experiencing swelling of the brain. It was bad, and they had to induce a coma to give his brain a chance and stop the swelling. They had just told her that her husband had experienced a pretty rough night and she was feeling distraught. 

I asked her if I could pray with her. Right there in the waiting room we bowed our heads and prayed...for healing, for the doctors treating her husband, for her own peace...for the peace that passes all understanding to guard her heart and mind. 

I was so thankful that God opened my eyes to see this young woman in her distress and gave me the courage to reach out to her, to pray with her. I saw her later that day again in the waiting room and she seemed to be doing better, in spite of hearing the news that they were taking her husband down for a CT scan to make sure he still had brain activity. I whispered a prayer again as she walked away. 

Here's the thing. I don't know the outcome for Jessica and her husband. Sadly, I never saw her in the waiting room after that day. But I do know that God wanted me to pray for and with her. He had a purpose when He prompted me to talk to her...to pray with her. I trust that He has worked through it for her good and His glory. 

Sometimes in the midst of our own crisis, God is calling us to reach out and minister to others. I have experienced this enough to know it is true...enough to even look for it in the midst of my own pain and trials. 

And enough to wonder when and where...I missed it. It breaks my heart to think that perhaps there have been more opportunities missed than I care to admit. But I cannot let that bog me down in the mire of self-pity. I pray that God will continue giving me eyes to see when to step up and into His works in progress. 

God has brought us through this crisis with our son. So many years later, I can see so clearly how He held us in the palm of His hand, how He carried us when we could barely put one foot in front of the other. He continues to be our strength and our shield. 

And so I will continue to look to be a comfort, as He, the God of all comfort, has comforted me. 
​

Reflection 

Who do you turn to in times of crisis? 

Has God used you to bring comfort to others who are going through situations similar to those you have been through? ​

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