“I’m sorry.” 

There, I said it! It felt good to finally get those two words off my chest. It meant I could rest. I’d done my part.

The person looked back at me and muttered, “I forgive you.” But, soon their actions spoke a different story.  Every time I asked a question their response was quick and short. When I tried to make eye contact, they looked away. When I walked next to them, they directed conversation elsewhere.

I felt like the woman everyone hated. Remember her? She was the one caught in the act. She was unredeemable. She was unworthy.

““Teacher,” they said to Jesus, “this woman was caught in the act of adultery.” (Jo. 8:4)

What do we do – with her?
There she was…the bad lady.
There she was…the one caught-red-handed.
There she was…the one who should have done better, but she didn’t.
There she was…right in the open, for all to see – her shame on display.

Stone her!!!!

I wonder, did this woman feel like she was being convicted 1,000 times? Like she couldn’t get off trial?

What do you do – when someone refuses to let you off the hook? For days? For years? For decades? When blame is still coming your way? When you can nearly feel the judgment?

What do you do when your mind spins out of control because you don’t know how to fix things? When their treatment hurts your insides?

I don’t have all the answers, my friend. I certainly don’t have everything figured out. But, I can share what I am still learning. Here it is:

1. I am not responsible for other people’s interpretation of events, their actions or retaliation.

After I have apologized to them and to God, I have done my part. I get in trouble when I take on another person’s burden as my responsibility. If they don’t want to forgive or release me from the offense they carry – that is not my duty to make them. That is between them and the Lord. I forgive, love in a healthy way, release the convicting work to the Lord and pray.

I think thoughts like, “God gave abundant grace to me, so I can extend abundant grace to them,” “I can be loving without being co-dependent. I do not base my worth on their response,” “I am responsible before the Lord to love others as I love myself. If I need to have some space, that is okay.”

2. Jesus experienced mistreatment, but He despised the shame.

Indeed, if Jesus was misunderstood, mistreated and hurt, and He was The Son of God, we cannot expect our life to be without these issues. 

Jesus endured the worst pain, but scripture tells us, “He despised the shame” (Heb. 12:2). There are moments when we will have to endure suffering or go through harm. There are moments when we will have to die to us to become more alive to Him. At the same time, we don’t have to take on or absorb the shame. We can reject that, like Jesus did. 

Think this way. Say to yourself: I am not shameful; thanks to Jesus’ work on the cross, I am holy and blameless in His sight. I don’t soak in people’s judgments, mean words or issues, I cast off that shame and I walk by His truth.


3. I am responsible for my own actions, words and responses.
​
Here, I think this way: I am powerful. I am powerful to change. I am powerful to apologize and to do a new thing. I am not obligated or trying to please man, but I seek to please the Lord. I speak the truth in love. I exhibit the fruit of the Spirit by the grace of God. I, then, extend grace to others. At the same time, I am not a door mat and I use my voice. 

It can be hard to walk in the world, when so much comes at us. I get it. Not everyone will understand us. That is hard.

But, at the end of our day, we have one goal in our life. It is this:

“but just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak, not as pleasing men, but God who examines our hearts.” (1 Thess. 2:4)

How does God want us to think? What does God want us to speak? What pleases and glorifies His holy name?

Sometimes, we figure we have to do something because it is the loving thing to do, but it is not love at all, it is obligation laced with bitterness. God calls us to authenticity and wholeheartedness. As we are honest and true before God, we can be honest and true before men. And, while it may not always be comfortable to do,it will always honor God. Why? Because we trust Him more than we fear men.

“For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a bondservant of Christ.” (Gal. 1:10)

In my case, even if man doesn’t forgive me, God does.  And, that’s enough. I keep love and carry peace, trusting God to take care of the other person. I let go and let God.

I pray that you are able to let go and let God too, when situations with people feel beyond control!

Prayer: Father, relationships can be hard. Forgive me for trying to control. Forgive me for fearing man. Forgive me for taking things into my own hands. I trust you. I let go today. I believe you will defend me. I ask you to move in the relationships that I am struggling with. I ask you to help me to authentically love. And, if I need to create some space, give me the right words and the courage to do so. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

As I sit down to write an article on boundaries I cannot help but laugh. Me...writing about boundaries. I am the last person who should be writing an article about this. But the truth is I do have something to say.

I have written before about my house being coined “The Napping House”. A name which came about because of intentionality on mine and my families part to create an atmosphere of peace in our home. 

We’ve dedicated every house we have lived in and thank God for it by committing to use it for ministry in whatever way He asks. We believe that we are blessed to be a blessing and to us that means that we use our house for ministry when needed. Please don’t misunderstand me - that does not mean that we have people in and out living and staying with us - our first ministry, besides to God, is to our family. And let me tell you, we have a BIG family. Whether by blood or chosen, we regularly have people over to our house. Our kids are growing and they constantly have friends over. There are always people around. And where there are people there’s ALWAYS an opportunity for ministry.

Our intention is for our house to be a place of peace, a place that when people walk in through the door, no matter what they are going through, whether they have had their best day or their worst, they can take a breath and just be. We strive to create an atmosphere of safety, of comfort, and, I will say it again, peace. We long for our home to be a place where people can let their guard down and just be. Some people recognize this and embrace it and others just kinda fall into it. It has become so normal for us to live in a constant state of go go go, that we never just stop and be. 

Be still and know…

Often times we are such busy little bees that when we finally do come to a place of peace, we tend to relax, rest…nap no matter what is going on around us. Remember Jesus napping in the middle of a storm? It is not unusual for us to have a gathering with family or church or friends only for us to walk into a room in our house (usually the living room) and find someone crashed out on the couches or floor (we have a really comfortable floor LOL) hence the napping house was coined. 

Now even though I love to share the purpose and plan and even testimony behind “The Napping House” that is not what this article is about…

At this season in my families life, things have been crazy for the past few months. Some for the better, some not so much. Like so many other people lives right now, it kind of felt as if we were living the story line of some terrible LifeTime television show. With glimmers of goodness and hope and shadows of pain and doubt.

Over those months we lost sight of carrying an atmosphere of peace in our home for us and for our people. We would come home and though we were glad to be home there was no sigh of relief dumping the heavy load at the door. 

We became restless. Agitated. Exhausted. 

It was a never-ending cycle of work, family matters, ministry…and on and on and on. We would answer calls all night long and problem solve and assess late into the night. We would rehash and plan and rehash again. We would be busy with sports and volunteering and being there for family all while maintaining and growing our businesses and ministries. We were draining faster than we were refueling.

It took a lot longer than I would like to admit to realize that we allowed the very thing we vowed to do to be put on the back burner. And the new forerunner had become the things that we were supposed to guard ourselves and our home from - the storms of life.  

One day, instead of going into the office for work, I stayed and worked from home. Sitting at the kitchen table it hit me…where did our peace go? 

Yes, we were accomplishing great things and dealing with terrible struggles and there was now a light at the end of a very long tunnel, AND where is our peace?

Over the last few years our peace, the peace that Jesus gifted us, had become such a normal in our lives, it wasn’t anything that we had to strive for or work at. It was a gift and something that we readily recognized and accepted. It had become a sort of boundary in our lives. 

If something came up that would try to rob us of our peace we would mentally say, “Nope, my peace is not yours to take. My peace is mine to give.” Not having peace in the chaos was not an option for us. That doesn’t mean that we didn’t face storms. Rather that our peace was not a result or by-product, it was our state of living.

I remember sitting at the dinning room table that day and saying I crossed a boundary line in my life, but where?

Am I working too hard? Am I doing too much? Did I go too far?

To which I felt my spirit answer, ‘That’s not it.’

And then it hit me, my peace. I was no longer walking in and living out my peace.
I was so caught up in do, do, do that I was no longer taking time to just be.

It wasn’t a matter of not having time, I didn’t even need to make the time. My only part was to once again receive. Jesus said "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you." (John 14:27)

Have you ever seen the meme that says:

    Daniel slept in a lions den
    Peter slept in a prison
    Jesus slept in a storm
    No matter your circumstance, you can take a nap.

That always makes me laugh and recognize that true peace is not determined or affected by outside circumstances. 

As I began reflect and recognize that I allowed myself to cross that boundary that I had set in my life, I started to feel guilty and ashamed. Guilty for all of my people who came into my home seeking that peace, seeking that rest that had previously been there only to find it nowhere to be found. Fragments left here and there. My people, my family leaving just as heavy as when they came through the door.

How easy it was for those brief moments for me to turn my back on the peace that I had just realized was missing. Truthfully, that is not mine to carry. Jesus is not looking for perfection, He is looking for us. He makes us perfect.

So in those next few moments I stepped away from my computer and asked for forgiveness for spoiling the gift that Jesus gave me. My peace, Jesus’ peace is a gift that I reclaim. It is a boundary that I re-establish in my life and in my home. No one can’t take my gift of peace, and I, just like Jesus, freely give it to those around me. 

Sis, accept Jesus' gift of peace today. Whatever that looks like in your life in this season. Take the moment…receive it, open it. And maybe, just maybe…take a nap. 

Love You!

Boundaries have always been confusing to me.  Growing up in an environment where there were absolutely no healthy boundaries, I’ve had to learn as I go, and it has been a struggle. 

For so long I thought boundaries were used to control other’s behaviors. This worked when my kids were young.  You may not hit your sister. You must go to bed.  You cannot only have Oreo’s for dinner.  Boundaries, when my kids were small, were about teaching them the life skills they needed to become healthy, functional adults.  It seemed easier then.  

I established the boundaries, and it was their job to respect them, to honor them.  The goal became to build enough relationship and trust between them and I that they trusted that whatever boundaries I set for them were generated from a heart of love and for their good. 

I wish I could say that they always did.  As I look back now I am able to recognize that although it was never my intention, sometimes the boundaries I set for them originated out of different, less beautiful motives.  Sometimes fear.  Sometimes control.  Sometimes pride.  

My desire to be seen a certain way by others too often bled its way into my boundaries for my children. I saw them, their success, their behavior, their obedience as a reflection of my worth and value as their mother.  I wanted others to see how good of a “stay at home, homeschooling mom” I was and the measurement of that seemed to be how well my children followed the rules and flourished in all the ways.  

Now, with my young adult children, boundaries look different.  Much different.  As they continue to grow into the people God created them to be, it seems the tables have turned and all that I once had domain over, their lives, has shifted in a way that it is them who set the boundaries now.  They now determine what I have access to- their time, information, and their willingness to invite me into the place of offering wisdom or advice now rests solely in their hands and hearts.  They are the ones that ultimately decide what I have access to.  It has been at times a painful, difficult paradigm shift for this mama’s heart to come to terms with.  

I still love them with my whole entire heart and I still believe that I have wisdom, offered by age and experience, that could be beneficial to them.  I’ve learned though that wisdom that is invited is almost always better received than wisdom that is not.  I find myself in a season of watching, waiting, and praying.  Thankful for each opportunity I am invited in.  I do my best to continue to cultivate relationship so that they remember that my heart is for them and that anytime I offer them what I perceive as truth related to their lives, it is from a heart of love for them.  Even when it’s hard or something they would rather not hear.  

This parenting young adult’s thing is no joke.  I’m thankful my children have been patient and gracious with me as I’ve learned not to overstep into the territories that were once within my domain.  We learn together as we navigate this new road.  

My journey with my Heavenly Father so resembles my journey with my own children with the exception that He is the perfect parent who never has impure motives for anything that He offers.  In this relationship, I am the inviter…He the one who offers.    

As I cultivate my relationship with Him, He who is always present, always speaking, always loving, I’ve grown in my own knowledge that the boundaries He sets for me are solely from His love for me and for my good.  

It has been a struggle.  

From the deep recesses of my soul, I detest ever feeling controlled.  Too many years being controlled by people with evil intent and selfish, impure heart motives placed within me a literal hate of feeling out of control.  I became radically independent and self-sufficient, lacking trust for authority figures.  

This bled into my relationship with my Abba.  To learn that each and every boundary He sets for me through His Word, His wisdom and His leading is only ever and always out of a heart of love for me is a journey on which I remain.  

How do I know this?  Because to this day, there are places still where I fail to invite Him in.  Places within my own heart where I know I’ve heard Him and am not quick to yield.  Places where I’ve gone my own way knowing that it’s not what He has led me to.  And yet… He is faithful to continue the good work that He has begun in me (Phil. 1:6).  He waits.  He watches.  Ever-present.  Never abandoning, forsaking, or turning away from me.  He loves me so well.  So faithfully. So patiently.  

And yet, of this journey of learning to trust whole-heartedly, when the consequences of my failing to invite or to yield to His boundaries result in consequences that are heavy, He surrounds me with his gentleness, His tenderness, His mercy.  He holds me close and assures me of His love.  He reminds me of who He is and who I am in and through Him and He assures me that He will never stop walking with me on this journey of learning to be loved by the only One who is truly trustworthy in all that He says and does.  

Pray with me...

Father, thank you for loving me.  Thank you for never letting me go.  Thank you for continuing to teach me in all things.  Help me to lean, trust and rely on you in all things.  Help me to be quick to yield to your Word, Your Wisdom and leadership.  Thank you for your grace, mercy, and comfort when I struggle in this place.  

Help me to invite you into every place always.  Trusting that whatever boundaries you set for me, are from your heart of love for me and for my good.  
I come to you now and always in the name of Jesus.  

Amen